An Introduction

My name is Sara, I’m 25 damn near 26, and I have never known my biological father.  I wasn’t adopted, my parents split when I was 2.  Since then I have known a dad, but I always knew he hasn’t my father. 
This is hard for a kid to grasp, he’s a man I’ve known since time immemorial but I’ve also known that he wasn’t responsible for me.  As a small child I accepted this as fact, I used his last name in school, I called him daddy, I never gave too much thought to the myth that was this other man.  That exactly what he was to me, a myth, some fairy tale being that existed in another lifetime.

Before I go too far into my story I want to introduce to the main cast of characters, I’m changing everyone’s names because people guard their privacy in like gold in this internet age.  And I’m going to upset enough people just by putting this out there that I don’t want to hurt anyone else unnecessarily.

Colleen- My mom, the root of all my family.  She holds us together even when we fight against each other.  I haven’t always respected my mom the way I should, and she’s not perfect, but she’s my mom.  And I look WAY too much like her to actually hate her.

Lily- My older sister.  She is my rock.  She’s put up with more that anyone person should have from me and she waited for me to admit that I was being a tool.  And  I was.

Frank- My older brother.  He’s distant and callous, but he’s blood and that’s a bond that no amount of ignorance can break.  We are “full” siblings, we have the same father and no, he hasn’t even known him either.

Rachel- My little sister.  I’m going to keep this simple: we don’t talk.  That’s a story for later.  She’s my dad’s daughter.

PJ-  My baby brother, he apparently grew out of the abbreviation and goes by Paul now, it happens.  He’s my dad’s son.

Justin- My step-dad, most commonly referred to by me as dad.  We had a following out when he realized he didn’t want to be bothered with someone else’s kid.  I was 18 when it happened. Believe me this is a story you’ll have to read to believe.

Matt- My biological dad.  I’d put in more about him if I knew anything, sadly I only have that and my last name.

So that’s everyone. There are obviously other people in my life, friends, male-friends, uncles cousins, I got the whole lot of them, but just from one side of the family.  And that’s what this story is about, my search for my father.
So you’re probably wondering why I’m even bothering to look for him at this point in my life.  And believe me that’s a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  I mean there are the practical reasons, like medical history.  I need to know if there is a history of cancer or heart disease or anything like that.  Then there’s the emotional needs.  A girl needs her father.

I started really wondering when I was about 10.  I remember having this totally random break-down.  I honestly cannot remember WHY I was having this freak out but I remember wondering why I didn’t have my own dad.  Like I said, I always knew he existed, Mom was never shy about that.  My Mom was away at her boyfriend’s and she had left Lily in charge, Lily’s best friend was staying the night and I don’t remember what started it but I remember going upstairs, probably not quietly and freaking out about how I don’t gave a dad, Lily had a dad, Rachel and PJ had a dad, but not me?  I also didn’t know why Frank didn’t seem to mind.   Lily’s best friend helped calm me down. Lily couldn’t. At the time I had no idea why, I’d find out later that Matt did some things that should make me hate him.

That was the first time I thought about trying to find him.  The first time I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him to love me. Why I was so easily forgotten.  I’m ten at this point, I’m not going to lie, these are issues I still have today.  I still wonder why I’m not good enough for men.  What makes me less than everyone else.  I know that there is nothing outwardly wrong with me, so it makes me wonder if its something deeper.  Thanks Matt.  Way to set a girl up for success.

So that’s the real reason why I decided to search Matt out.  I  figured I can’t have a normal healthy relationship with any man until I come to terms with the first man who ever hurt me.  I don’t even know if it was actually something he did.  I don’t want to believe the few stories I heard of him. But in order to do that I need to find him and talk to him.