The Latest Search.....

So I’ve wanted to know everything I could about my father since I was 10. But I knew that I couldn’t ask my mom. Mom has been married a couple of times, not uncommon any more, right? I remember we were going through her jewelry once and she was going over who would get what and she had Lily’s father’s engagement ring, and Rachel and PJ’s father’s ring. But not mine. When I asked her about this she told me because it wasn’t worth anything. But, wasn’t it? Even if he was the biggest douche on the face of the earth, and maybe he is, wouldn’t my brother and I have been worth it? That was when I knew she’d never tell me anything.

I have been googling Matt as long as Google has been around. I’ve included EVERYTHING I know about him, his first, middle and last name, anything. This never turned up anything. Why? Well do you know how many Matt’s are out there?! I got to be honest super common name! The good news is I never found an arrest record or his name on a sex offenders list. I take what wins I can get.

I decided my sophomore year of college that I was GOING to find him. And I thought I did. I did my usual googling and searching and hoping. I actually got a hit. On probably the 38^th page of results I’d looked through, an obituary. Not Matt’s, but likely my grandfather’s. I freaked and called Frank. Stupid idea, really. The only thing he wanted me to do was let him know he owes us for back child support. He’s a sweet guy, really he is. So then I called Lily. She was less than enthused. Supportive but distance about it, then again the terrible Matt did was to her. So I can’t blame her at all. Finally I called my mom, verified the information and I was right. It was him. My grandfather had pass before I could ever get to know him. But he was survived by my father, which meant that he was still alive and kicking. I had a panic attack and a major breakdown. I tried everything I could think of short of paying for his information, because honestly do those pay to find sites even work? I turned up nothing, and I gave up, so close yet so far.

Every time I’d get bored and have a computer handy I’d search and hope to find him, and every time I’d end up no closer than I was before. Further in fact, I could never find the obituary again. I was slowly coming to grips with the fact that the universe just didn’t want me to find the guy. And who knows maybe its for the best. Maybe I’m not supposed to find him and come to grips with why he never contacted me. At this point honestly, it never occurred to me that my issues with Matt were the same issues I have with all men. It was a little too Freudian for me to come up with on my own at that point.

I had given up all hope of finding Matt. I let the universe win.

I lost my job a week ago. I was laid off along with almost 30 other people. Sounds like I have a real sob story going? Maybe something for a Lifetime movie, huh? Fret not, I found a new full time job only a few days after getting laid off. Actually I was just told today it would be full time and that I start tomorrow. See? I bounce. Sorry, sidetracked. Any way. So I was unemployed and, as I’ve been there and done that, I was already going stir crazy after only a few days. I decided I’d look again.

I started out with the usual Google searches and the same pointless results. Although I was surprised to find a young rising start reporter in Texas by the same name. Oh did I forget to mention he’s somewhere in Texas? I mean how much harder could this get? The second largest state (by area) and in the top somewhere by population. And he’s got a ridiculously common name. He could also be living on a reservation. Yeah. It’s like that.

So the same Google searches and the same results. Again no arrest records, no sex offender lists, no death records. All good things, I think. Well that all only means one of a few things, either he’s a genius criminal and hasn’t been caught (doubtful but hey at least he’s a genius right?) or he is one of those guys who died sad and alone in his house an no one has noticed yet. Mostly, though it means he’s a living, law-abiding citizen who doesn’t have a phone number listed in the white pages and he hasn’t done anything to get a website devoted to him (until now). I’m okay with him not being a multi-millionaire and I’m definitely okay with him NOT being a criminal (who gets caught).

Then I have the most random idea. I’m going about this the wrong way. I’m not just searching for one man, I’m searching for an entire family. I mean he wasn’t hatched, I have proof he had a father. So inspired by my uncle who is a huge genealogy-nut I decided to post on one of those sites. They all have message boards, and these are people who devote some serious time to finding out where they come from, maybe they’d know how to help me?

A quick pause here: why didn’t I just ask my uncle to help me? The same reason I didn’t ask my mom or my sister whom I’m close to, these people strongly dislike Matt. In fact they pretty much hate him. I’m not 100% sure why but I know I intend to find out. I have been on my own for this my entire life and I know that I’m still on my own, but I’m determined!

Back to my post on the genealogy site in the county where I was born:

I'm trying to locate any information I can on my father's side of the family. I don't know much about him besides his name is Mathew E. Smith and he married my mother Colleen in either '82 or '83. I know he was in either the Army or the Air Force when he met my mother. I know he had at least 1 sister and possibly a brother. I know they split in after my grandfather died in '87. I have no idea what he looks like or if my grandparents are still alive. Any information would be greatly appreciated. I'm hoping to start a family soon myself and I don't want my children not to know where they come from.

Okay so I fudged the wanting to start a family part, that’s still off in the future, but the rest is about all I know. So I figured why not, what do I have to lose? Nothing. I posted it on a couple of sites, doesn’t hurt. So posted it and I kept going with my search until I got frustrated with the same ol’ same ol’. That’s when that cute little “New Mail” link flashed on my yahoo messenger. Someone replied. Some amazingly kind a perfect stranger decided to help out a girl in need. Who says there is no kindness left in the world?
Your mother will not help you with this? Was his brother slightly older than you and your brother? Mostly instincts on this! Mathew E. Smith wed Colleen G McGregor 9 Apr 1983 in this County. Focusing on here: Jackson E Smith and Alice I Brown had Mathew (31 Aug 1960) there then Stephanie E (19 Jun 1958) and Jackson L (5 Apr 1982) in another county. Unable to trace Jackson E Smith so focus on Alice I Brown . Her parents were Franklin G Brown and Stephanie E Term. There are several birth records for this couple and they are Mathew E. Smith aunts/uncles. Lookup some of them and inquire about Mathew E. Smith . Stephanie E Smith wed Joseph L Clemmons and they have birth records.

And there it was. In less that 2 hours a complete stranger found more information on my family than I was able to in years of search. I’m a big enough person to admit that I had NO idea where to look. I am eternally grateful to this the person who posted this. I have no way of ever repaying them the gift they gave me but I really hope that one day I can give them a happy ending to this story. I didn’t know when my parents got married, or my father’s birthday. Now I know I have an aunt and an uncle, and did you catch it? My uncle is only 3 years older than me!

So after tears of joy, and a heartfelt message back to the responder, I did something crazy and forward, I white page searched my grandmother. I mean, I know this sounds terrible, but older people don’t move much AND they love the phonebook! Which, thankfully, is posted on line. I found an address, I’m 99.99% its her because it says that my uncle lives there too. He’s 28, and lives at home…. Hey, I’m not here to judge!

And the panic attack started…..

An Introduction

My name is Sara, I’m 25 damn near 26, and I have never known my biological father.  I wasn’t adopted, my parents split when I was 2.  Since then I have known a dad, but I always knew he hasn’t my father. 
This is hard for a kid to grasp, he’s a man I’ve known since time immemorial but I’ve also known that he wasn’t responsible for me.  As a small child I accepted this as fact, I used his last name in school, I called him daddy, I never gave too much thought to the myth that was this other man.  That exactly what he was to me, a myth, some fairy tale being that existed in another lifetime.

Before I go too far into my story I want to introduce to the main cast of characters, I’m changing everyone’s names because people guard their privacy in like gold in this internet age.  And I’m going to upset enough people just by putting this out there that I don’t want to hurt anyone else unnecessarily.

Colleen- My mom, the root of all my family.  She holds us together even when we fight against each other.  I haven’t always respected my mom the way I should, and she’s not perfect, but she’s my mom.  And I look WAY too much like her to actually hate her.

Lily- My older sister.  She is my rock.  She’s put up with more that anyone person should have from me and she waited for me to admit that I was being a tool.  And  I was.

Frank- My older brother.  He’s distant and callous, but he’s blood and that’s a bond that no amount of ignorance can break.  We are “full” siblings, we have the same father and no, he hasn’t even known him either.

Rachel- My little sister.  I’m going to keep this simple: we don’t talk.  That’s a story for later.  She’s my dad’s daughter.

PJ-  My baby brother, he apparently grew out of the abbreviation and goes by Paul now, it happens.  He’s my dad’s son.

Justin- My step-dad, most commonly referred to by me as dad.  We had a following out when he realized he didn’t want to be bothered with someone else’s kid.  I was 18 when it happened. Believe me this is a story you’ll have to read to believe.

Matt- My biological dad.  I’d put in more about him if I knew anything, sadly I only have that and my last name.

So that’s everyone. There are obviously other people in my life, friends, male-friends, uncles cousins, I got the whole lot of them, but just from one side of the family.  And that’s what this story is about, my search for my father.
So you’re probably wondering why I’m even bothering to look for him at this point in my life.  And believe me that’s a question I have been asking myself a lot lately.  I mean there are the practical reasons, like medical history.  I need to know if there is a history of cancer or heart disease or anything like that.  Then there’s the emotional needs.  A girl needs her father.

I started really wondering when I was about 10.  I remember having this totally random break-down.  I honestly cannot remember WHY I was having this freak out but I remember wondering why I didn’t have my own dad.  Like I said, I always knew he existed, Mom was never shy about that.  My Mom was away at her boyfriend’s and she had left Lily in charge, Lily’s best friend was staying the night and I don’t remember what started it but I remember going upstairs, probably not quietly and freaking out about how I don’t gave a dad, Lily had a dad, Rachel and PJ had a dad, but not me?  I also didn’t know why Frank didn’t seem to mind.   Lily’s best friend helped calm me down. Lily couldn’t. At the time I had no idea why, I’d find out later that Matt did some things that should make me hate him.

That was the first time I thought about trying to find him.  The first time I wondered why I wasn’t good enough for him to love me. Why I was so easily forgotten.  I’m ten at this point, I’m not going to lie, these are issues I still have today.  I still wonder why I’m not good enough for men.  What makes me less than everyone else.  I know that there is nothing outwardly wrong with me, so it makes me wonder if its something deeper.  Thanks Matt.  Way to set a girl up for success.

So that’s the real reason why I decided to search Matt out.  I  figured I can’t have a normal healthy relationship with any man until I come to terms with the first man who ever hurt me.  I don’t even know if it was actually something he did.  I don’t want to believe the few stories I heard of him. But in order to do that I need to find him and talk to him.